Convertibles in the UK? You're on your own mate...

About as British as it gets. Except it's German.

We British, in the kindest words possible, are a very ambitious bunch - especially when it comes to the weather. Back in March this year, temperatures had a little peak to 20°c (or 68F if you are placed elsewhere in this world), and we went crazy for it. 20°c isn't actually that hot, but oh no, the shorts came out, the BBQ's were blazing and all ice cream salesmen became overnight billionaires.

Unsurprisingly, the same kind of ambitious attitude applies when we come to our cars. It is a fact that the United Kingdom is one of the wettest areas in the whole of Europe, chiefly because we have a great big sodding ocean next door that blows in one weather front after another. But it is also a fact that the UK is one of the biggest markets for convertible cars. It really does say it all; we are a tragic bunch.


But my burning question is: can you really enjoy a convertible in the UK? Well, the simple answer is: yes, you can. But how much, and what convertible should you choose? The materialised roof car world is a minefield for absolute stinkers.

Not the Citroen C3 Pluriel, that's for sure. I do not know what the designers were smoking when they came up with this car, but I sure as hell don't want any of it. The idea is that not only the roof comes off, but even the structural pillars to give you the hardcore convertible experience, without the hardcore performance (70bhp 1.4, anyone?).

Clarkson is stumped, activates emergency kangaroo mode

It all sounds reasonable enough, but the detached pillars didn't fit anywhere in the car once you have taken them off (itself a procedure that contains much swearing). So you have to leave them at home, go for your Sunday drive, and bam, a storm hits you. You've left your roof at home. You're royally screwed.

But there are plenty of fun topless cars out there, and the best thing is that most of them aren't that expensive to buy. The Mazda MX-5/Miata, pick on it all you want, is one of the best all rounder cars out there. Same goes for the Honda S2000, which is my all-time favourite car in the world ever. Biased? Me? Anyway, these two and many other topless sports cars can be picked up for less than £5,000 these days.

The definition of bang for your buck? Either way, it revs to 9k, so who cares?

But. This is a big one. You will look like a cock. Have you ever seen somebody in a BMW 335i wearing sunglasses and a bluetooth earpiece and just wondered how much of a cock they look like? Well, a convertable in Britain manages to pull off the same trick in almost any car of its rag-roofed type.

Would I drive that? Only if I was 20 miles away from civilization

Take the Aston Martin DB9. In hardtop mode, this is a very classy car, with good looks and a burble that isn't loud enough to show off, but still makes itself noticed. As soon as you hack that roof off, you see the driver and you instantly have nasty, murderous thoughts about them. It's probably true that this prejudice towards them is fuelled by nothing more than jealousy, but they are murderous thoughts at the end of the day, no matter which way you try and view it.

Gorgeous as hell, also just as hellish to drive around people

Convertibles, then. They only work when it isn't raining in the UK (about 3 out of the 365 days of the year) and the driver looks like a bit of a tool.

And don't get me started on how comedic back seat convertible passengers look...